tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-69596896073007945252024-02-08T09:56:04.323-08:00電視狼電視狼的部落格http://www.blogger.com/profile/14374908795495921208noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6959689607300794525.post-75002732369687471412013-08-12T06:42:00.000-07:002013-08-12T06:42:25.981-07:00【學校沒教的事】之九:新兵入伍求生祕笈<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 20px;"> [警語]:本篇不臭,但很長。嚴禁按個讚就跑去玩candy crush,違者糖果沒收。</span></h2>
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這一個月來,打開電視翻開報紙,發現討論的話題只有一個,當兵。其實會有這現象一點也不意外,徵兵制下的台灣讓大多數的男人都當過兵或正在當兵,於是台灣就有一半的人有資格談論當兵;而另一半的女性朋友,我們可別大男人主義的說她們沒當過兵沒資格講!要知道我們當兵只能待在一個軍種,而她們隨著交往男友的不同,所聽到的當兵經歷可能遍及三軍(當然不是每位女性都像我表妹那麼有才情。表妹稍候出場)!說到當兵,當你還在聊出操站衛兵有多累的菜鳥經驗時,她們說不定已經能告訴你國軍整個戰術運用還順便告訴你如何部署飛彈。</div>
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於是乎,這個月男女老少都在談當兵,造成了人人都是當兵專家,個個都是軍事顧問的現象。第一次覺得台灣真是個草木皆兵的軍事強國。</div>
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大家都在講的事我就偏不講,我可以風流下流但絕不隨波逐流。 直到發現連我表妹都在講當兵的事,我實在忍不住了。因為表妹雖然色藝雙全,卻是個兵變專家,受影響的軍士官兵集合起來,可以合唱梅花梅花滿天下,人還多到可以分三部重唱。</div>
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說起來,國軍士氣低落那些整死人的軍人要付一半的責任,另一半的責任我表妹要扛!於是,就在這種大義滅親的贖罪心情下,我還是隨波逐流的講些當兵的事好了,還沒當兵的一定要做筆記,我是抱著救一個是一個的使命在寫的。</div>
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說到當兵,我可得從入伍前的抽籤說起…</div>
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自知不是個幸運的人,海軍空軍這種爽兵的籤絕不會輪到我。反正陸軍嘛, 不就在陸上走走路?!怕什麼,大家不都這樣走過來了!到時鞋墊偷偷加厚一點再弄個氣墊什麼的,求個一路好走,兩年很快就會過去了。人只要把生死置之度外,肚內的心胸都壯闊了起來!手毫不猶豫的伸進籤筒,沒有喇一下就豪氣干雲的抽了一支…主持人用麥克風報「海軍陸戰隊」~</div>
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我當場嚇暈了過去…直到全場役男響起的掌聲加尖叫才讓我醒了過來!</div>
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天哪,我連體育課操場跑兩圈(800M)都會吐的人怎麼熬得過去啊?陸戰隊的新兵訓練還比別人多操一個月啊啊啊~</div>
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我好怕死,當天回家,馬上擬定自我訓練計畫!</div>
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由於訓練計畫涉及國防機密,我就講詳細一點。</div>
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[跑步]:</div>
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從抽籤當天開始跑八百公尺(當然吐了),逐日增加距離,到入伍前一個月已經可以跑完三千公尺!很有成就感,覺得自己可以參加馬拉松了!此時姨媽過來為我打氣順便告訴我,她鄰居的小孩當兵第三天,就跑步跑死了…這算哪門子的打氣?我簡直嚇死了!於是我再把訓練強度提高,入伍前已經可以跑完五千四百公尺。</div>
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“Just國防PUMA,就是國防布嘛!”感謝國防部與PUMA找我代言,代言費下個月請匯入我賬戶,謝謝</div>
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[陸戰新訓中心實際操課情況] :</div>
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每天早上跑三千公尺(註:此為1988年陸戰隊龍泉新兵訓練中心南營十連的操課標準)。</div>
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[備註]:</div>
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只跑三千讓我驚訝,或許大家太過誇大陸戰隊的訓練。這是大家對陸戰隊的刻板印象。刻板印象很要不得,害我現在去公館買沙威瑪,都會不自覺的瞄向土耳其老闆的下半身。</div>
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[游泳]:</div>
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比起跑步,游泳可說是我的強項。但我很清楚會游泳跟當陸戰隊是兩回事!聽說陸戰隊會把新兵丟到海裡吃飯睡覺,這點讓我很擔心,萬一半夜冷了怎麼蓋被子?!於是我拼命訓練,到入伍前一天,可以一口氣遊完三千公尺。當然一口氣不是真的指一口氣,那會出人命的。就像陸戰水鬼不是真的鬼。真的鬼都躲在冷氣房裡發號施令鬼吼鬼叫…農曆七月還是得說說鬼話應景一下。</div>
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[陸戰新訓中心實際操課情況]:</div>
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兩個月裡從沒下過水游過泳。更別說被丟到海裡吃飯睡覺…</div>
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[備註]:</div>
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每次都在游泳池旁做扶地挺身,乾巴巴的望著那池水,請試著想像一條不能碰水的魚的心情,有多麼的傷悲。</div>
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[扶地挺身]:</div>
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從十五下,訓練到一百下。</div>
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[陸戰新訓中心實際操課情況]:</div>
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陸戰隊很照顧新兵,一次扶地挺身規定只能做八十下。</div>
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[備註]:</div>
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第一個八十下做完,可能只隔十秒鐘就開始做第二個八十下,這點陰謀要小心!</div>
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陸戰隊很注重扶地挺身,我也不知為什麼?但退伍後每個陸戰隊員的老婆都很感謝陸戰隊的訓練到是真的。</div>
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[仰臥起坐]:</div>
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從二十下,逐日增加到兩百下。</div>
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[陸戰新訓中心實際操課情況]:</div>
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三十下為一個基數。</div>
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[備註]:</div>
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自我訓練後的我蠻能做仰臥起坐的,本來一格格的腹肌就像冰箱裡的製冰盒格子那麼多,只不過現在都融化了。</div>
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xxx xxx xxx</div>
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我也不知這樣的訓練份量夠不夠助我撐過陸戰隊的新兵訓練,總之我是盡力了。現在回想起來,這樣的訓練強度簡直可以去比鐵人三項了!</div>
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順帶一提,畢業時跟父母提過想要單獨騎摩托車環島的願望,她們斷然拒絕。可是抽完籤我再提此事,她們卻答應了。畢竟陸戰隊操死人的傳言不斷,我想父母是基於不想讓我的人生留下遺憾才答應的。</div>
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於是,在入伍服役前的某日,我騎著我的野狼,帶著一把刀及一包鹽,展開了我的環島求生之旅…</div>
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<span class="photo " style="padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><img alt="" class="photo_img img" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1150292_698604843486796_893769629_n.jpg" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; max-width: 580px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" title="" /></span></div>
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to be continued…</div>
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(下集精彩內容提要)</div>
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1.我是個鐵錚錚的漢子,連國小畢業典禮這麼生離死別的場合我都能強忍淚水,</div>
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沒想到第一次的掉淚,居然是…</div>
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2.班長們一早好心的叫你多吃點別餓著了,小心!十次有九次是不安好心…</div>
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3.有人說,當兵要裝傻才會比較好過…錯!你以為裝傻那麼簡單?你進過演員訓練</div>
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班嗎?你演技夠好嗎?就算你可以演得比明德笨(註:林明德, 「風水世家」角色之一,江俊翰飾),裝得比他傻,你要知道,戲是演給人看的,你在部隊裡的觀眾可是一群身經百戰的鬼呀…</div>
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{後記}:</div>
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好吧,我承認根本沒續集!因為我一點都不喜歡寫當兵的事,尤其在這個節骨眼。或許跟這陣子看多了新聞有關,它們勾起了我一些好與不好回憶。在陸戰隊新兵訓練中心裡,與我同班的448T弟兄們,</div>
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一人因兩眼視差過大被驗退;</div>
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兩人受不了操練轉服四年半的志願軍官役;</div>
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一人在中心待了兩個禮拜後,某一天被一輛神祕的車接走了,聽說他爸爸是憲兵的中將;</div>
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還有一人常常跑到一半,故意跌在跑道旁的草皮上裝死,被班長看出來是裝的,結果被操得更慘,聽說後來因為精神問題也被驗退了…</div>
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九條好漢在一班,我們九個人最後只剩四個從新訓中心結訓,分發下部隊。</div>
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當兵最重要的,就是要學會如何照顧好自己,不讓父母操心。 新兵入伍的求生祕笈說穿了不值錢,就是入伍前嚴格的自我要求,自我訓練。感謝陸戰隊,如果不是因為我體能這麼爛又怕死還抽中這支籤王,恐怕我也不會體會這祕笈的真義。</div>
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什麼都是假的,只有退伍才是真的。當我背著忠誠袋,立正站在家門口向前來開門的父母說:爸媽,我退伍了,我平安回家了!</div>
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那是多麼驕傲的一刻,我終於感覺自己是個真正的男人了!</div>
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(以上圖片來源:Google圖片)</div>
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電視狼的部落格http://www.blogger.com/profile/14374908795495921208noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6959689607300794525.post-62372901618268033292011-11-08T22:28:00.001-08:002011-11-08T22:28:41.372-08:00全民抱大腿運動<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-6508174852565630296" style="color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.4; position: relative; width: 578px;"><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 20px; word-wrap: break-word; zoom: 1;"><div><div style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">我說<br />
職場有許多腿<br />
總機的纖細美腿,秘書穿高跟鞋的黯然銷魂腿,<br />
工讀生的蘿蔔腿,小陳的劈腿,<br />
George & Mary 的有一腿,業務的跑斷腿,<br />
午餐便當的炸雞腿,見不得你好的扯後腿,逢迎拍馬的狗腿<br />
<br />
這麼多的腿,全都比不上長官的大腿<br />
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大腿抱得好,工作沒煩惱<br />
到底怎麼抱?筆記趕快抄<br />
<br />
不管你要<br />
直抱,橫抱,熊抱,強抱,<br />
還是 用力抱,驚天抱,頑皮抱,愛的抱抱<br />
<br />
都要<br />
抱得精彩,抱得漂亮,抱得自然,抱得瀟灑,<br />
抱得欲擒故縱,來去無蹤<br />
抱得深情款款,如夢似幻<br />
抱得壯士斷腕,妻離子散<br />
抱得禮義廉恥,渾然不知<br />
<br />
抱得稱兄道弟,聊天打屁<br />
抱得你儂我儂,大家眼紅<br />
抱得休假爽翻,別人爆肝<br />
抱得苦盡甘來,還藏二奶<br />
<br />
抱到天崩地裂,穿越陰陽界<br />
抱到地老天荒,麻雀變鳳凰<br />
抱到春暖花開,何日君再來<br />
抱到升官發財,每天上班只要喇賽<br />
抱到長官說:你是我的蛔蟲,你說:喔喔喔喔~你是我的花朵<br />
<br />
職位要更高,就要做全套<br />
抱完大腿拍馬屁,莫忘順手捧LP<br />
手中有LP,心中有考績<br />
一步一腳印,千萬不要急<br />
<br />
官不在大,肯罩你則靈<br />
腿不在粗,夠力就行<br />
<br />
長官一雙腿,讓你享富貴<br />
全民抱大腿,世界變更美<br />
<br />
(唱)<br />
有緣 沒緣 大家來做伙<br />
燒酒喝一杯<br />
抱大腿~<br />
抱~大~腿~<br />
抱~ ~大~ ~腿~ ~ ~ ~</div></div><div><br />
</div></div><div style="clear: both;"></div></div><div class="post-footer" style="color: #999999; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.6; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0.5em;"></div>電視狼的部落格http://www.blogger.com/profile/14374908795495921208noreply@blogger.com0